Two steps forward, one step back

Yesterday I had a fabulous day. For the first time since my surgeries I felt like things were going to be okay. I had more energy and less anxiety. I didn't need to take a Xanax during the day. And physically I felt the best I had in ages. Still knowing I can not push myself I took it easy. I did cook an easy dinner and did the dishes. I even ironed but I was careful to alternate arms so that I did not constantly use my left arm in a repeative motion as I was told not to.

I thought the worst of this was behind me. But as my hubby and I watched The Fighter on DVD I noticed the uncomfortable stressed feeling I dread. I waited a few minutes to see if it would pass but it became evident it was going to get stronger if I didn't address it. I took a Xanax and felt defeated. It isn't that I expected to be able to stop taking them completely that bummed me out. It was that I couldn't go 24 hours without NEEDING to take them. To be clear I have been okayed to take up to three a day if needed. And I have on my really bad days...I've even taken four once or twice.

So I did what I seem to do a lot these days, I cried and my husband supported me. I was able to fall asleep but I did not sleep well. I woke up several times. When I heard the Bub on the monitor I was not rested and would have loved to fall back asleep for another hour.

Unfortunately when I woke up I was experiencing new uncomfortable sensations I had not felt before. FABULOUS. I had a weird feeling in my neck, like a twitch or pulsing and my left shoulder was very sore. And once again my anxiety level was high and I was very on edge.

I called my doctor's office in Philly to make sure everything was okay or if they thought I should see someone. I spoke to the PA and she said they what I am dealing with is normal and a lot of people experience it. I should have been able to take comfort in this but instead I just obsessed over every itch, twitch, ache or feeling that felt abnormal to me.

Sigh. I'm tired of this. I want to go back to work. I want my life back, you know the one that having these procedures was supposed to allow for. It will be three weeks tomorrow since the ablation, three weeks Friday since my pacemaker was put in.

I need a real party, not the pity party for one that I seem to be having every other day.

For the record not being able to give my baby girl a bath because I can't pick up her to put her in the tub and take her out is getting to me. I feel like such a crappy parent that she has to wait til tomorrow morning when hubby is home.

Nina's Mama
Kirs

2 weeks down...only 4 more to go

I wish I could say my recovery has been no problem. Unfortunately that has not been the case. My anxiety levels have reached new heights and I have had some of the worse panic attacks I have ever had since the surgery.

Honestly I don't know what I would do without Xanax. It has been a lifesaver for me.

My hubby used his two weeks of vacation time to stay home while I was recovering. We were hoping that it would be okay for him to go back to work after the first week but physcially and even more so mentally I was not ready.

I will have a good day and then the next will be awful. A day will start strong and then I feel the walls crashing in on me later in the day.

The first night we were home I was able to get some sleep. The next morning we went to my parent's house and picked up the Bub. I couldn't wait to see my little girl and I wanted to see my family. I quickly found out later that day that Oxycontin and I did not get along. At All. The pain was fairly managable until the late afternoon. I took one of the painkillers and the day went crashing down from there. I felt horrible and the pain was no better. My head was spinning and I could not sleep. I made the decision to no longer take the Oxy and to only take the regular Tylenol and Xanax.

A rollercoaster. That is the best way I can describe the recovery since then. I have had so many highs and lows it is ridiculous. The one good thing is that I am finally over the shock of having a pacemaker. Wrapping my mind around that took a lot for me.

My appointment to have the doctor check the incision and everything was Monday (3/7). I got a call around 1pm asking us if we could come in sooner than the 4pm appointment. Since the Bub was napping the most I was able to offer them was 15 minutes earlier. At no point in time did they tell me I would not be seeing the doctor....or ANY doctor for that matter. We got there exactly at 3:45pm and of course we waited to be seen anyway. I got weighed and an EKG. Then a nurse came in the room and said "Aren't you a little young for a pacemaker?". Um excuse me? Who says that to someone? Mind you I didn't know she wasn't a doctor at the time. She looked at the incision, attempted to answer questions for me with little confidence and wrote me a prescription of Xanax that was hardly even worth my time to fill. I overheard one of the woman in the reception area talking to someone on the phone that the doctor was called away due to an emergency and wouldn't be able to see them today and they had to reschedule. That is how I found out I wasn't seeing the doctor. Unprofessional if you ask me. They should have at least told me that this half-assed nurse was going to be the only person I was going to see. I left the office and a panic attack ensued.

I broke down and the tears started to roll. I knew it was silly but her words bothered me. I AM a little young for a pacemaker. It shouldn't have happened. But it did and this was the end result and there was nothing I could do about it.

Yesterday was the most time I spent out of the house. We ran some errands and then went to visit my Mom. I haven't seen her in two weeks. We normally see each other M-F at work so to not see each other for two weeks straight was hard. Not to mention she hasn't seen the Bub for two weeks either. Although I didn't do anything just being out and about took it's toll on me. I didn't feel great after we got home and my nerves were shot. Then last night I woke up after an hour or so and felt uneasy. My throat was tight and I felt claustrophobic. After coming downstairs for a bit I still wasn't feel right so I settled in on the couch and I tried to take my mind off of everything. My wonderful husband came to find me and sat with me until I was ready to try and lay down again. Thankfully I was able to fall asleep.

I have four more weeks before I can lift my daughter using my left arm. Just four more weeks before I can lift my arm up and over my head. And only four more weeks til I can reach my arm behind my back. Obviously I am most excited about being able to lift and hug my little girl. I miss picking her up and spinning around. I miss the bear hugs she gives me when I pick her up in the morning.

It seems that now that my SVT is gone my panic attacks and anxiety are worse than ever. If it's not one thing it's another right?

Two weeks from tomorrow I see my doctor in Philly and hopefully everything will look good and I will get a few questions answered that I have. I am hoping by that time my energy level has improved. If not it is something I will have to address and I don't even want to think about what the solution will be.

Four more weeks. I am hoping in four more weeks my life will resemble the one I had before my SVT, maybe even better.