Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Two steps forward, one step back

Yesterday I had a fabulous day. For the first time since my surgeries I felt like things were going to be okay. I had more energy and less anxiety. I didn't need to take a Xanax during the day. And physically I felt the best I had in ages. Still knowing I can not push myself I took it easy. I did cook an easy dinner and did the dishes. I even ironed but I was careful to alternate arms so that I did not constantly use my left arm in a repeative motion as I was told not to.

I thought the worst of this was behind me. But as my hubby and I watched The Fighter on DVD I noticed the uncomfortable stressed feeling I dread. I waited a few minutes to see if it would pass but it became evident it was going to get stronger if I didn't address it. I took a Xanax and felt defeated. It isn't that I expected to be able to stop taking them completely that bummed me out. It was that I couldn't go 24 hours without NEEDING to take them. To be clear I have been okayed to take up to three a day if needed. And I have on my really bad days...I've even taken four once or twice.

So I did what I seem to do a lot these days, I cried and my husband supported me. I was able to fall asleep but I did not sleep well. I woke up several times. When I heard the Bub on the monitor I was not rested and would have loved to fall back asleep for another hour.

Unfortunately when I woke up I was experiencing new uncomfortable sensations I had not felt before. FABULOUS. I had a weird feeling in my neck, like a twitch or pulsing and my left shoulder was very sore. And once again my anxiety level was high and I was very on edge.

I called my doctor's office in Philly to make sure everything was okay or if they thought I should see someone. I spoke to the PA and she said they what I am dealing with is normal and a lot of people experience it. I should have been able to take comfort in this but instead I just obsessed over every itch, twitch, ache or feeling that felt abnormal to me.

Sigh. I'm tired of this. I want to go back to work. I want my life back, you know the one that having these procedures was supposed to allow for. It will be three weeks tomorrow since the ablation, three weeks Friday since my pacemaker was put in.

I need a real party, not the pity party for one that I seem to be having every other day.

For the record not being able to give my baby girl a bath because I can't pick up her to put her in the tub and take her out is getting to me. I feel like such a crappy parent that she has to wait til tomorrow morning when hubby is home.

Nina's Mama

1 comment:

  1. I just got caught up on all of your posts. You poor thing! You sure have been through a lot. I'm so sorry. I know how hard it is to not be able to pick your little girl up (I went through that after my 2nd c-section), and my heart hurts for both of you. I relaly hope you start feeling better SOON!

    My resting heart rate just sitting here working is in the low 50s. That is concerning to me, but my cardiologist doesn't care. He says I will eventually need a pacemaker, but not now. I imagine my hr goes in the 40s, if not the 30s, when I am sleeping. I hate the thought of a pacemaker, but I also hate my heart rate being so slow...espeically when 7 years ago my resting rate was 120. Sigh. Oh, but nothing is wrong with me, you know?

    I had BAD anxiety and panic attacks before I got pregnant with Rylie and depended on Xanax to get me through some days too. Don't beat yourself up over it if you need it. You have been though a lot. ((hugs))