2 weeks down...only 4 more to go

I wish I could say my recovery has been no problem. Unfortunately that has not been the case. My anxiety levels have reached new heights and I have had some of the worse panic attacks I have ever had since the surgery.

Honestly I don't know what I would do without Xanax. It has been a lifesaver for me.

My hubby used his two weeks of vacation time to stay home while I was recovering. We were hoping that it would be okay for him to go back to work after the first week but physcially and even more so mentally I was not ready.

I will have a good day and then the next will be awful. A day will start strong and then I feel the walls crashing in on me later in the day.

The first night we were home I was able to get some sleep. The next morning we went to my parent's house and picked up the Bub. I couldn't wait to see my little girl and I wanted to see my family. I quickly found out later that day that Oxycontin and I did not get along. At All. The pain was fairly managable until the late afternoon. I took one of the painkillers and the day went crashing down from there. I felt horrible and the pain was no better. My head was spinning and I could not sleep. I made the decision to no longer take the Oxy and to only take the regular Tylenol and Xanax.

A rollercoaster. That is the best way I can describe the recovery since then. I have had so many highs and lows it is ridiculous. The one good thing is that I am finally over the shock of having a pacemaker. Wrapping my mind around that took a lot for me.

My appointment to have the doctor check the incision and everything was Monday (3/7). I got a call around 1pm asking us if we could come in sooner than the 4pm appointment. Since the Bub was napping the most I was able to offer them was 15 minutes earlier. At no point in time did they tell me I would not be seeing the doctor....or ANY doctor for that matter. We got there exactly at 3:45pm and of course we waited to be seen anyway. I got weighed and an EKG. Then a nurse came in the room and said "Aren't you a little young for a pacemaker?". Um excuse me? Who says that to someone? Mind you I didn't know she wasn't a doctor at the time. She looked at the incision, attempted to answer questions for me with little confidence and wrote me a prescription of Xanax that was hardly even worth my time to fill. I overheard one of the woman in the reception area talking to someone on the phone that the doctor was called away due to an emergency and wouldn't be able to see them today and they had to reschedule. That is how I found out I wasn't seeing the doctor. Unprofessional if you ask me. They should have at least told me that this half-assed nurse was going to be the only person I was going to see. I left the office and a panic attack ensued.

I broke down and the tears started to roll. I knew it was silly but her words bothered me. I AM a little young for a pacemaker. It shouldn't have happened. But it did and this was the end result and there was nothing I could do about it.

Yesterday was the most time I spent out of the house. We ran some errands and then went to visit my Mom. I haven't seen her in two weeks. We normally see each other M-F at work so to not see each other for two weeks straight was hard. Not to mention she hasn't seen the Bub for two weeks either. Although I didn't do anything just being out and about took it's toll on me. I didn't feel great after we got home and my nerves were shot. Then last night I woke up after an hour or so and felt uneasy. My throat was tight and I felt claustrophobic. After coming downstairs for a bit I still wasn't feel right so I settled in on the couch and I tried to take my mind off of everything. My wonderful husband came to find me and sat with me until I was ready to try and lay down again. Thankfully I was able to fall asleep.

I have four more weeks before I can lift my daughter using my left arm. Just four more weeks before I can lift my arm up and over my head. And only four more weeks til I can reach my arm behind my back. Obviously I am most excited about being able to lift and hug my little girl. I miss picking her up and spinning around. I miss the bear hugs she gives me when I pick her up in the morning.

It seems that now that my SVT is gone my panic attacks and anxiety are worse than ever. If it's not one thing it's another right?

Two weeks from tomorrow I see my doctor in Philly and hopefully everything will look good and I will get a few questions answered that I have. I am hoping by that time my energy level has improved. If not it is something I will have to address and I don't even want to think about what the solution will be.

Four more weeks. I am hoping in four more weeks my life will resemble the one I had before my SVT, maybe even better.