Tick tock tick tock...

My oh my where has the time gone?

I can't remember the last time I posted something on here or even wrote something private for myself.

Tomorrow morning is my surgery. My ablation is scheduled for 10:00 am. The Bub is staying with Grammie so I know she is in great loving hands.

I don't deal with death and dying well. I just don't. I know it is part of life and blah blah blah but I can't wrap my mind around the idea of not being there with my daughter to see her grow up.

The 1-2% chance of something going wrong that they can fix I can handle. The .5% chance of me dying can get me worked up in a matter of minutes if I think about it. And unfortunately being the glass half empty kinda girl I let it get to me.

Don't get me wrong - I'm not thrilled with the idea of needing a pacemaker but at least I would be alive.

I've received some wonderful messages from folks and I am so thankful to have them in my life.

Need extra thoughts and prayers for tomorrow and my recovery.

Once I get through this I really need to start blogging more...not to mention reading blogs. And also try to get into a few craft shows for the spring. I also have 100 prints from Snapfish on there way to me.

Positive thoughts...positive thoughts.

My beating heart

Last week I visited my cardiologist. There were a couple of reasons, the primary being I never went for my follow up in December but also because I have been having a few more episodes lately and my anxiety has definately increased.

Basically I was told that he isn't one for anxiety medication and exercise, meditation or yoga is a better outlet. Sigh. SIGH. It isn't that I want to be on medication but I was hoping to remedy the problem. I can't just stop what I'm doing and do 100 jumping jacks when a panic attack comes on suddenly.

Then I ask the question that has been on my mind since this whole thing started. The baby question. I was told that I am curable, which is fabulous, but the only way he sees it safe for me to go through another pregnancy is to have an ablation done.

I am waiting to get an appointment with the cardiac electrophysiologist recommended to me. It is at least two months just to talk to the specialist to go over my charts, confirm this would be the only safe way to proceed with a second child, and then take the next steps.

Part of me doesn't even want to go to the specialist. If I pretend the problem doesn't exist it will just go away right? Surgery, medical procedures and the like scare the crap out of me. So you can imagine my fear, worries and anxiety when it is something being done to my heart.

But then I think...I'd love to have a normal beating heart. I have always thought there was something wrong with the way mine sounded. I remember being at the Liberty Science Center when I was a teenager. One of the interactive activities was a spot you stood still for a moment and you could hear your heartbeat. In fact everyone around you could hear it. So we waited for our turn. Person after person the rhythms sounded similar. Then it was my turn. I stood still and what I heard was alarming to me. The beat was off, uneven and it just didn't sound right. I swear I ran off the spot and pretended nothing was wrong but I carried that with me for years.

Nothing was ever found wrong by any doctor during a standard checkup, visit for a cold, or bladder infection.

It wasn't until Nina was born that I really started to have problems.

Now I am presented with a very real possibility of being cured. Of having a normal heart. Of being able to have a second child.

But the risks of blood clots that could lead to stroke or the need for a pacemaker nearly paralyzes me.

I suppose for now all I can do is wait until I can talk to the doctor and get a clearer picture of what the procedure would mean for me specifically.