One Week

Last week I went to the cardiologist for a consultation only to be told to go directly to the ER. I was fortunately Bart was with me and that I had my problem right then and there or this could have been drawn out for months or years longer.

The medication seems to be agreeing with me aside from occassionally feeling sleepy when I first take it. The only other issue I have had is I am lightheaded when I first get up from laying down sometimes so I have to be really careful. I caught myself on the TV stand the other day.

One other positive of the medication is I am no longer taking my sleeping pills and have been able to sleep. Not tonight unfortunately because I am nervous about my dentist appointment in the morning but every other night. This is HUGE as I have been taking sleeping pills for years.

The day I was in the hospital the doctor and nurse both told me I should try to avoid stress. The next day I managed to break a tooth and my daughter fell down outside and scrapped her nose terribly. I was a wreck. So much for avoiding stress.

What I am having a hard time coming to terms with is the possibility that I won't be able to have another child. Right now it is up in the air and we are taking things one step at a time before it is ruled safe or not. I'll put it right out there for you, I put off going to the cardiologist for too long mainly out of fear (stupid I know). I had three main fears:

1) I would have something wrong with my heart and need surgery. Thankfully at this point it looks as though that can be avoided.
2) They wouldn't find anything wrong and I would continue to feel miserable on a daily basis. Once again thankfully something did happen and they were able to diagnose me and give me meds.
3) They would tell me it would be unsafe to go through another pregnancy. Sadly right now we just don't know.

Part of me thinks that regardless of what the doctor says we should completely put the idea out of our minds. I'm scared. But then I think about not getting to experience a child growing inside me again and I get sad. Never feeling those amazing flutters no one else can feel as he/she grows. No more kicks from inside my belly. No huge round belly to hold as I sit or lay down.

And then I remember the moment I held my daughter in my arms for the first time and I get teary. I want to feel that again.

But at what cost?

I don't know what triggered my PSVT. But I can tell you I never had it until after I gave birth to my daughter. What if even with close monitoring my condition got worse? And I needed an ablation (which even though it may be a low risk procedure) I don't want to have to do.

So right now I am thinking as though we will not be having another child. Preparing myself for the worst. And if I am told otherwise, which I most likely will be from reading other stories, I can make a choice. What I can't handle is thinking that everything will be fine and having the wind knocked out of me when the doctor tells me otherwise.